I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
