he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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