doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
we should paint friendship bongs
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
