i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
