Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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