Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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