he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
