fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
