Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
