I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
