She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
