why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
