I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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