ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
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Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
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I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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