new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
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