So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
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