i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He passed out mid-signature
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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