Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
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I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
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Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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