I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
