My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
