no, he came in my armpit
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
