I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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