I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
this is an emotional support booty call
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
