i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Dignity is for republicans.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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