If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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