She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
