so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
