If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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