Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
