I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
