it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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