Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
