i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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