Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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