I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
