Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
