I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
