I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
