I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
