Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
