Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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