i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
