I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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