i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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