u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
