Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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