but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
