he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
