I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
