Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
