i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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