Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
