I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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