When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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