Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
