i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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