can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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