i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
