the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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