He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
